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The program for the prestigious venue in the nation's capital features a lighthearted dual-language performance and an improvised Shakespeare troupe. Curiously missing from the advertised events is this week's global football draw, likely because it is a exclusively closed-door affair. Organizers appear determined to prevent any uninvited attendees from showing up at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory spectacle where highly compensated celebrities will doubtlessly repeat the well-worn platitude that "football unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Crew

The lavish event is scheduled to be hosted by German model-turned-TV presenter Heidi Klum together with small-statured US standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be American football legend Eli Manning on red-carpet details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Collectively, they will oversee a production that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, FA officials, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, numbered balls.

Set to last nearly three torturous hours, the event will include a staggering playlist of speechifying, saccharine video montages, pre-vetted gags, famous faces, performances from acts with either no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Duty

Among those tasked with conducting the ceremony? Basketball giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, NFL quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, deep well of personality possessed by these ageing sporting legends, short of an uniformed snatch-squad crashing the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

Actually, very little, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the reply was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are conscious of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when compared with other high-end items.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a genuine air of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw begins. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three nations their particular country will face in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through steadfast commitment and notable deeds." Given that the draw is in Washington and the tournament is mostly in the United States, guesses about the winner are widespread, even if the clues are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-game losing streak, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited if/when changes occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Regarding the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"